Following along in Bhikkhu Bodhi’s book, The Buddha’s Teachings on Social and Communal Harmony, we move our focus now from intentional communities to “natural” communities. These start with family and extend outward to all the other relationships in our lives.
The Sigalovada Sutta (quoted below) is the most detailed outline in the Pali canon for how we can interact with everyone in a beneficial way, from our nearest and dearest to the random encounter. On my home page, the tab labeled “Relationships” provides a longer analysis of the main points of the sutta. A full translation can be found here: https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/dn/dn.31.0.ksw0.html
And how, young man, does the noble disciple protect the six directions? These six things are to be regarded as the six directions. The east denotes mother and father. The south denotes teachers. The west denotes wife and children. The north denotes friends and companions. The nadir denotes servants, workers, and helpers. The zenith denotes ascetics and brahmins.
There are five ways in which a son should minister to his mother and father as the eastern direction. [He should think:] ‘Having been supported by them, I will support them. I will perform their duties for them. I will keep up the family tradition. I will be worthy of my heritage. After my parents’ deaths I will distribute gifts on their behalf.’ And there are five ways in which the parents, so ministered to by their son as the eastern direction, will reciprocate: they will restrain him from evil, support him in doing good, teach him some skill, find him a suitable wife, and, in due time, hand over his inheritance to him. In this way the eastern direction is covered, making it secure and free from peril. (from DN 31, translated by Bhikkhu Bodhi)
The eastern direction is where the sun rises, everywhere on earth, so by analogy, all of our lives begin from and with our parents. They are our first relationships, for better or worse. We can’t be sure, but it is likely that in the Buddha’s time and place, extended families generally stayed geographically and emotionally closer than many families do today. This may complicate the instructions, but doesn’t invalidate them.
Also please note that in ancient India, when women married they joined their husbands’ families, leaving their own behind. In most modern cultures, this is not the case, so we have to adjust our understanding of the sutta to make it useful to ourselves.
We have responsibilities to our parents and they have responsibilities to us. It is easy to visualize ideal parents and children and also dysfunctional ones. We each only have to deal with the parents we’ve got. If it happens that the parental figures in our lives are not our biological parents, the same responsibilities apply. Generally, we look after each other as appropriate at different times. Safety, security, and nourishment are sought on childrens’ behalf by parents in the early years. Often as parents age, responsibilities are shared, and then (at least partly) assumed by the children if the parents live into old age.
Respect, kindness, and compassion are what children owe parents, and parents owe children. We try to live in a way that is both truthful and harmonious, seeking growth and comfort for ourselves and each other.